Halo 4 Review: Spend your money elsewhere

We consider ourselves pretty diverse in regards to what we cover and write about here at The Waiver Wire. But, we’ve never really ventured into the world of video game reviews. 

We decided to take that off our bucket list. We brought in John Yorke to review Halo 4 for us, and he did that…he also got a little drunk while writing it. But hey! It’s why we love him!

Disclaimer: This article refers solely to the multi-player aspect of these games.

Let me start this article by saying that I do not consider myself to be a gamer. Not in the least. As a matter of fact, as the years have caught up to me, I’d consider what my 15-year old self would call a n00b. I play a couple of video games, a few times a week, for no more than two hours at a time, and I constantly get my ass kicked by 12 year old kids who call me a fag. I have to use the number zero as the letter “o”, because that’s how the kids do it nowadays.

Anyway, I was recently asked by Waiver Wire writer Greg Kaplan to write a review of the two biggest games of the holiday season, Halo 4 and Call of Duty:Black Ops 2. Since I work a job that pays less than slavery, I really couldn’t afford to buy both games. So I bought the one I thought would be better.

I bought Halo 4.

Now, in all reality, I knew Halo 4 wouldn’t be the better game. But, I had hopes for the revival of this once glorious franchise. I said earlier that I don’t consider myself to be a gamer. But that doesn’t mean I haven’t played my fair share of video games. And with that said, next to Nintendo 64’s Goldeneye, I consider Xbox’s Halo 2 to be the best multi-player game of all time. Sure, it had its faults, i.e modding, the plasma pistol and super jumps, but what game out there can claim to be perfect? Halo 2 had everything. A diverse collection of well designed levels ensured that you didn’t have to play Team Slayer on Midship 15 out of 20 games. God I hated Midship.

But, that besides the point. The weapons, with the exception of the stupid plasma pistol, were all pretty much even. No weapon could claim to be the best, since every weapon had its own advantages and disadvantages. Playing on Colossus?  You’re gonna use a Battle Rifle or Sniper Rifle and pick people off. Ivory Tower? I’d personally go dual Needlers. Turf? That’s a SMG and Brute Plasma Rifle level. Basically, no weapon was that dominating.

Another big one that I didn’t mention is that I routinely played it over six hours a night during high school, amassing well over 10,000 games played. So I played a lot. It got to the point where I could tell you exactly what time a weapon would respawn on a map, or I could accurately predict respawn points for the enemy team. But enough about me being a virgin. Halo 2 was great, and I loved it.

Then Halo 3 came out. Halo 3 sought to take the few faults of Halo 2, erase them, and create the perfect game. It did the exact opposite of that. Halo 3 came out with worse levels, more over-powered weapons and shitty powerups to create a game that besides the title, had little in common with its predecessor. Needless to say, I was disappointed in the latest Halo title.

Then came Halo:Reach. I’m not going to waste your time with that shit. It sucked. Don’t play it.

And so we now come to the point of this article. Halo 4.

I’ve spent over 60 hours playing Halo 4 now. It doesn’t seem like much, but consider that each individual match doesn’t last longer than 15 minutes. So 60 hours equals 3600 minutes, at 15 minutes per match is 240 matches. On top of a 50 hour work week and a girlfriend who won’t leave me the hell alone.

And after those 240+ matches, I can safely say this: Halo 4 sucks. Don’t buy it. After spending nearly $65 on this game, I almost immediately regretted my decision. The multi-player is terrible. There are fewer than six maps per game type, so if you prefer to play a game like Team Slayer, you’re going to be stuck playing the same five maps constantly.

Oh, and another thing, these maps are terrible. The designs aren’t original, and there’s too much shit on each map. The weapons have gotten progressively worse. They kept the Assault Rifle in this game, despite the fact that they should have removed it completely after Halo: Combat Evolved. The BR has turned into a giant pussy, requiring 5 head shots to kill someone, rather than 3. They have Incineration Cannons, Spartan Lasers, Light Rifles and a whole bunch of other shit that is completely unnecessary. There are giant fighting robots called Mantises that are similar to the robots from the end of The Matrix: Revolutions. There are jet packs and invisibility and light shields. Assassinations are terrible in this game. Sure they look cool the first few times you do them, but then you quickly realize that you lose all control of your character for over ten seconds and are completely vulnerable for that time.

It sucks. No longer can I sneak up on two or more people, because if I assassinate one I have to wait twenty minutes for the shitty animation to be done. Meanwhile, his teammate has spotted me and has put four BR shots into my skull. So once the animation is over, I have a second to live. Bullshit. The bottom line is that the producers of this game spent more time designing jet packs and alien crossbows than they did on making a good game. The multi-player is extremely limited and repetitive, and overall just isn’t very good. Save your $65 and buy Black Ops 2. Or do the smart thing and buy Assassin’s Creed 3.

So there it is. A long winded rant about the downfall of the Halo series, wrapped up with a brief review of their latest shit sandwich. Halo 4 sucks, and there are certainly better choices for a multi-player FPS out there. So until Microsoft gets its act together and releases an anniversary edition of Halo 2, fans of the series will have to put up with another disappointing game.

One thought on “Halo 4 Review: Spend your money elsewhere

  1. I’m only at 17 hours (112 matches), but I think I have a good grasp on some of the things you mentioned. Keep in mind I’m not trying to sound like a prick here.

    The assault rifle is an absolute piece of garbage. If I never see one again, it’d be too soon. I’m also with you on the map selection. There aren’t enough diverse maps, and there are a few maps that are guaranteed to get picked as soon as they are up for voting. Kinda lame.

    I think the funky weapons are Halo’s way to distinguish itself from the other FPS games. If it only had the military weapons (Battle Rifle, DMR, Sniper), then it’d just be COD in space. Also, if the vehicles and armor abilities are points of contention (which do get annoying after a while), why do you recommend Black Ops 2? I find the kill streak rewards (exploding RC cars, carpet bombs, missile strikes) to be far more annoying. If you shoot at a hologram or a jetpack-ing Halo player, you can at least readjust your aim and possibly get a kill. If you get spotted by a hovering helicopter, you don’t really have a chance.

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