Throughout the fifth season of Pretty Little Liars, Liars “experts” Vinny Ginardi and Mike Caiola will dish out their thoughts on each episode. Please note, we write these recaps independently, so if there are any repeat thoughts or jokes, we apologize. Please visit our Pretty Little Liars page for previous recaps.
Two episodes in, two episodes ending with police surrounding a dead body. Sure, we already knew that Mrs. D had kicked the bucket, but the characters didn’t, so this is a lot to soak in for them. I’m hoping PLL writers are going for a Joe Dimaggio-esque streak and kill off Ezra next week to make it three in a row. Time will tell.
Anyway, we start this episode off with the Liars arguing about whether or not they should go to the police and explain everything that happened. For what must have been the first time in she show’s history, the group decides that going to the police is the right idea, which leads to an interesting screenshot…
PLL WENT ALL ABBEY ROAD ON US!!!! Was this intentional? Probably. I mean, honestly, anybody who says they cross the street with their friends in a single file line is either 1) lying, 2) weird, or 3) trying to recreate Abbey Road! I’m going to go with option three here. My theory: This is the moment that the Liars decided to “Come Together” — the leadoff song on Abbey Road — and go to the police as a group. From now on, I hope PLL fans everywhere will refer to this historic moment as “Ali Road”.
So the Liars get to the police station as a unified force all prepared to tell Holbrook (side note: a quick Google shows that Holbrook’s first name is Gabriel. Who knew?) the truth. He sees the girls walk in and instead of freaking out and being like “HOLY SHIT YOU’RE THAT GIRL THAT’S BEEN MISSING FOR YEARS AND EVERYBODY THINKS YOU’RE DEAD!”, Holbrook plays it cool with a sly “I know who you are.” And then he begins to get Ali’s story in the middle of the police station instead of, oh I don’t know, anywhere else? Then Ali makes up some story about being kidnapped while the Liars exchange looks with another while all clearly having the same thought: Our lives were easier when this bitch was dead.
After the police department (this seemed like quite a short visit for someone returning from the dead), some of the Liars see Jason acting creepy and cleaning out his car at night. Ali throws her phone out of the top story window and —wait, PAUSE. This might be the most unrealistic moment in the show’s history. Actually, it absolutely is. Ali is a teenage girl. I don’t care if she’s just getting back into the swing of things. The most prized possession for a teenage girl is her phone. There’s no chance she takes the risk of breaking her phone by throwing it out the window. She would just take a screenshot and send it as a text. Also, we didn’t see how she got her phone back. Did they throw it back up? Use some sort of pulley system? Whatever.— see that she’s received a text message “The truth will bury you in a New York minute”. Oh, snap. It’s on. Ali claims that this text and her wanting to protect Aria are why she made up the story about being kidnapped.
Aria has a bit of a rough episode. She spends a lot of the time snapping at her brother, her friends and Mona when really she should be learning how to use search engines. Really? You type in “theater dead girl”? You know her name! Type that in and see what comes up! UGH!
Toby returns and spends a scene with Spencer that really pushes the limits of ‘family’ for an ABC Family show. Toby also points out that he never saw Melissa in London. We better find out Melissa’s secret soon.
Ali visits her grave and we find out that Mona sent her the threatening text. So Mona knew she was in New York. And also is trying to create an image of being a good girl by handing out whistles. She’s a two-faced monster.
The rest of the episode is spent wondering where Mrs. D scattered off to, pegging Jason as a creep and learning that Ali has a dad. Eventually, Ali’s new dog finds Mrs. D buried in the yard. I’m guessing this discussion probably happened in the PLL writers room:
Writer 1: Alright, so she’s buried. We kind of shot ourselves in the foot here. How are we going to have the body be found?
Writer 2: Shit. Didn’t think of that. Maybe have the dog find it?
Writer 1: Good idea, let’s do that. Oh wait, what dog? None of these characters have dogs.
Writer 2: Damn, you’re right. I really don’t know. This is tough.
Writer 1: Fuck it, let’s give Ali a dog.
After the dog finds the body, the girls call the police and they come and bag it up. Ali watches, in an “A”-like hoodie, without much of a reaction.
— Wren got a shout out! #BringBackWren
— Like I’ve mentioned before, this is the only ABC Family show I watch. Man does Melissa and Joey look terrible.
— I’m thinking of making a “Song of the Week” segment in each of these posts from now on and semi-relating songs to each each week’s episode. This week’s is obviously “Come Together” by The Beatles. What does everyone else think?
— I kind of forgot that Emily had killed a person.
MIKE CAIOLA’S REVIEW
Ok, so the season premiere left us with no cliffhangers and if anything left us with a wrap up to the “A” mystery. And ultimatly a pretty sad one at that. Shana? Really? So I was hoping for something juicy in this episode to keep it going but instead we get bogged down with creepy Jason and a Mrs. D hunt. And since we know Mrs. D is dead, it is kind of a waste of time for the audience.
Well let me go through the epsiode real fast, since there isn’t nearly as much plot to cover here. Did everyone else have like eight commercial breaks this episode? I swear there was one sentence that had two commercials cut into it.
We start off with a weird Abbey Road tribute on the way to the police station. There Ali will tell her whole story and everyone will fess up and everything will go back to normal. But the show isn’t called Pretty Little Truthtellers, so Ali tells Holbrook she was kidnapped… great.
Then all the girls go home and we have to sit through the obligatory “where have you been for the past several days” questions from their parents.
- Spencer’s mom asks her like one question and she cries
- Hanna’s mom asks normal questions and all Hanna can talk about is if cheese melts… of course it melts! Then we find out Hanna doen’t know what the Manhattan Project was. No surprise there.
- Aria gets questioned (more innocently) from her brother, Mike. And he just wants to talk and Aria snaps at him. Also is there any evidence a plutonium door blocks any more sound than a wooden door? I guess you wouldn’t put your ear on a plutonium door.
- Emily on the other hand has to call her mom. It’s like the writers didn’t even care.
Spencer then relates their life with Ali as a Whirly Girly ride -like that is a normal thing. But before Emily can question that, they see Jason cleaning his car at night. So he must be a murderer.
We then find out the reason Ali lied to Holbrook was because she got a text from someone who knew she was in NY. But it’s not “A”! Because “A” is dead right? (I can’t even imagine Shana saying “kisses, bitches”, can you?) Sure.
Ali’s dad (is that a new actor?) decides that during this traumatic time, he should tell Ali that her parents are getting a divorce. Oh yeah and that she is missing. But no one is really that worried.
Aria, meanwhile, is being haunted by Shana and the guilt of her first murder. So haunted, in fact, that she hears violin music (Shana played violin once, right?) outside her window and on her iPod. Could Jason be outside her window playing violin? Could Jason’s nightly ritual be cleaning his car, playing violin in Aria’s backyard, and then watching Ali sleep? We may never know. Mike later tells her that he was doing a history project and borrowed her iPod. We can only assume it was a project on the history of violins. That or “How to Drive Your Murderous Sister to Confessing to the Cops Through the Use of Musical Cues”. Let’s face it, we all know Mike is the mastermind behind “A”.
Back to Ali, we see Jason being less sketchy and more protective. So protective that he won’t let Ali “twerk through town” or let Puppy Lady drop off a puppy. Also why a puppy? Why add that plotline?
Hanna while reading through Mrs. D’s emails (because that’s also going on) finds a draft that says “I can’t protect you anymore”. Why is it a draft? Did she die while typing it? Might as well as ended it with “Aaaaaaaauuuuuuggggghhhh”. So now the girls think that Jason tried to kill Ali and/or is hiding Mrs. D and/or was keeping tabs on Ali. Well the girls minus Aria, she is still flipping out about Shana.
Speaking of Aria, she walks in on Mona and Mike having dinner and accuses Mona of shit. Mona pretends to be super nice and even corrects Aria when she confuses a threat with a whistle. What a stupid line. Also somehow Mona knows about Fitz! That’s not good. She wasn’t there, we know that she was busy starting the “Ali Haters Club”, so how does she know? Spooky.
Oh yeah, Toby is back. Ugh. So obligatory Spencer-Toby sex scene. Besides finding out that Spencer is not as mad as she should be about Toby just up and leaving, we discover that Melissa was not in London like she said she was. But guess who was, Wren! Thank god he is back in the story. I missed that guy. With that careless pedophile attitude, british accent, and sketchy medical record, he was just a doctor after my own heart. In this scene, we also find out Spencer doesn’t have voicemail.
Later that night, Jason scares Hanna and Emily so they decide to follow him to a creepy-ass building where some guy outside scares them away. So basically a waste of gas. Might as well stop by Ezra’s cabin in the middle of Bumblefuck, while you’re at it, since you know gas is super cheap and the environment is only getting better.
Since her bodyguard Jason isn’t around, Ali sneaks out of her house and goes to visit her grave – totally normal. And who does she see there? Mona! Of course! Ali takes this moment to open up to Mona and lend out an olive branch. She says how similar the two are and in this time of need she could really use a friend like Mona. This of course backfires when Mona pulls a power play and becomes super bitchy, saying that Ali is going to wish she stayed dead. Ugh, Mona, you are crazy. Talk about holding a grudge. Also she tells Ali that she was the one that wrote that text to her. Bum Bum Bum.
So that’s essentially it. Nothing really changed. It kind of felt like a filler episode. Oh yeah, they found Mrs. D’s body! And that’s why they needed the puppy! But that was no big surprise, since we knew she was dead. Maybe now they can focus on stuff we don’t know. I’ve made a list don’t worry.
Some things we don’t know:
- Where Melissa was.
- What Melissa knows and is keeping a secret.
- Why Melissa joined Mona’s team.
- Who killed Mrs. D.
- Who tried to kill Ali.
- Who “A” really was (are we still buying the Shana thing?)
- Will Hanna learn enough to pass her upcoming WWII test?
- Will that puppy get a better name?
- Wil Emily’s parents ever come back?
- Why haven’t we seen Wren?
- Does cheese melt?
These and much more are still left unanswered and hopefully they can address some of them. I read somewhere we will figure out Melissa’s secret this season, which is good but I’m not gonna expect it until a finale. And if we have to wait that long, it better be a good one!
Emily’s plot: Doesn’t see either of her parents. Walks a dog. Runs away from a creepy dude.